In my yoga class I often guide my students to create an intention for their practice, I ask them to consider how their yoga practice can serve them in the most fulfilling personal way and to shape their intention with that in mind. Today, in class, I also asked to consider how we as individuals can serve our yoga practice. Meaning, how can we as students and seekers bring to the world the beauty, insight, and understanding that comes with a committed practice.
Over the past month I have had several situations put in front of me that challenged me as a woman, mother, sister, and friend. I thought to write about the specific incidents but sat with the experiences and found that my opinions shifted and that I needed to spend more time considering what I had to learn from these "challenges." I chose instead to take the time needed to feel, experience, and get some much needed perspective.
A brief glimpse at my opportunities to grow. First, an overly aggressive basketball coach for five year olds, who encouraged his players to hit, kick, and punch my sons team. Second, a yoga teacher who in class told me that she was the teacher and I MUST do things her way. Third, a very complicated relationship in my family. All of these instances challenged me, to be kind, to be honest, and to find a place of understanding and letting go. The emotions I felt ranged from anger and frustration, to a very deep sadness and sense of helplessness. Even now as I am writing my heart begins to get heavy. There are things in this life that are completely out of my control. I am starting to make peace with that, but in some situations, raw emotion overwhelms any sense of inner knowing and takes over.
My blood started boiling when I saw the way this grown man was coaching and the lessons he was teaching his team of young, ripe, minds. The yelling, getting in our coach's face, it was all ridiculous and getting out of control. When the other team's coach tried to physically fistfight our coach(our coach had asked him to stop telling his players to punch and kick our team) my sweet, very sensitive son started crying. IT WAS INTENSE. As I comforted my son I began to shake, LITERALLY, my heart started pounding, I got really flipping angry. I really could not believe what was happening at a five year old's basketball game. I am not a violent person, but I wanted to knock this guy out. My son felt threatened, and like a mama bear, I wanted to protect him. I didn't, I remained calm. This was such an important lesson for me because I am sure this is just the tip of the iceburg when it comes to dealing with douchebag parents. As a parent, what do you do? Yell? Fight? No, the answer here is to do nothing. The issue was resolved, the kids finished there game, and by snack time everyone was smiling. I realized the only thing I can do is play an active role in the team that is my family and continue to instill moral ethics, teamwork, kindness, and gratitude in my children.
The Four Rules of Speech: Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it honest? Does it improve upon the silence?
As the yoga teacher put her hands on me physically and starting to move my body forcefully into what she thought was right I was confounded and dumbstruck. I asked "Shouldn't I be allowed to go at my own pace?" To which she responded, "No, I am the teacher, you go at my pace." I got up and left the class and will not be returning. I have so many issues with this, as a teacher. First, I practice and teach that your body and breath are the supreme guide to where you take your physical practice. If it doesn't feel right, stop. If you cannot maintain even breathing, stop. As a yoga teacher I am a guide, not an enforcer. This all-knowing attitude of the instructor can not only cause injury, but it can turn people away from yoga, and in my opinion yoga is for everyone. Its like finding a comfortable pair of shoes, keep trying new classes and teachers on until something fits. I spoke to the person in charge and let them know my feelings on the whole situation and planned for an entire week to go to the teacher directly and speak to her. I sat with that, and changed my mind. I realized that me speaking to her was more for me than it was for her. My spewing my shpeil was to make myself feel better about the whole thing. I learned from this that sometimes I want to do and say things to people because I want to get a reaction. A reaction that will satisfy me, not necessarily help the overall relationship or situation. AHA!! I am working on being more mindful of my speech and actions. I am taking more time to consider where these thoughts and actions come from. Are they selfishly motivated? Will they cause another person harm? Will they help the situation at all?
“And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one." ― Douglas Coupland, Life After God
My toxic relationship. This is the real heart breaker, my heart breaker, the cause of a dismantled heart, and family. Its not only complicated, its impossible. This is a relationship that has tried to work for most of my life and continues to fail. This is a woman with so much potential but who hides in the shadows of her own darkness and creates more insanity with every decision she makes. I am helpless. I am torn. My family is broken. I can do nothing. I have been trying to handle the total sadness of it all the past few weeks and its just not getting any easier. I find myself thinking well what if I had done this? Or maybe I should've called more? Or, maybe if I had tried harder then things would be different. But I know they wouldn't. Profound sadness is new to me, I am a joyful person. Helplessness is new to me, I am a fixer and a nurturer. I can do nothing. I have to let go, and let God. I have to focus on the positives in my life and pray, and pray, and pray, and pray. And, keep praying. This has taught me that control is an illusion. You cannot control people and situations, you can only control how you react to them. Bad things happen to good people all of the time. Find the lessons in the "bad", there's always some new sliver, or some old sliver of yourself that you can explore and decide what to do with. You just have to wake up everyday and be thankful. Pour yourself into life, find a purpose, and get involved. Become an active role in how you choose to live. I will be honest, I am telling myself this every day, but the sadness, the helplessness and the guilt, are still monsters lurking around, trying to scream and shout for attention. They're my monsters right? Well, shut the F@#K up monsters. I know you are not real, I know you are full of shit. Let go, let God.
How does my yoga/meditation practice serve me? The time I have on my mat, is my time to just be. Its me, my breath, my body, and my mantra. I feel connected and this connection gives me strength, courage, and insight. How can I serve my yoga practice? I can give myself permission to let go of feelings and relationships that do not serve me. I can love from a distance, having faith that from this pile of shit a flower may someday grow. I can continue to pay attention and listen. Good and bad are seemingly relative. Both create opportunities to learn and grow, some are just easier to see than others. I can write. I can get it out, without fear, hoping that someone somewhere can relate. I can be inspired by the simple magic of being alive, by the magic of connection, to each other, to God, to the divine, to beauty, to joy. Its this connection that holds me together, that holds all of us together, that continues to shine brighter than any darkness.
“This is an important lesson to remember when you're having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year. Things will change: you won't feel this way forever. And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most. I believe you can't feel real joy unless you've felt heartache. You can't have a sense of victory unless you know what it means to fail. You can't know what it's like to feel holy until you know what it's like to feel really fucking evil. And you can't be birthed again until you've died.”
― Kelly Cutrone, If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You
with love, k
No comments:
Post a Comment