Lessons Learned

In my yoga class I often guide my students to create an intention for their practice, I ask them to consider how their yoga practice can serve them in the most fulfilling personal way and to shape their intention with that in mind.   Today, in class, I also asked to consider how we as individuals can serve our yoga practice.  Meaning, how can we as students and seekers bring to the world the beauty, insight, and understanding that comes with a committed practice.  

Over the past month I have had several situations put in front of me that challenged me as a woman, mother, sister, and friend.  I thought to write about the specific incidents but sat with the experiences and found that my opinions shifted and that I needed to spend more time considering what I had to learn from these "challenges."  I chose instead to take the time needed to feel, experience, and get some much needed perspective.

A brief glimpse at my opportunities to grow.  First, an overly aggressive basketball coach for five year olds, who encouraged his players to hit, kick, and punch my sons team.  Second, a yoga teacher who in class told me that she was the teacher and I MUST do things her way.  Third, a very complicated relationship in my family.  All of these instances challenged me, to be kind, to be honest, and to find a place of understanding and letting go.  The emotions I felt ranged from anger and frustration, to a very deep sadness and sense of helplessness.  Even now as I am writing my heart begins to get heavy.  There are things in this life that are completely out of my control.  I am starting to make peace with that, but in some situations, raw emotion overwhelms any sense of inner knowing and takes over.

My blood started boiling when I saw the way this grown man was coaching and the lessons he was teaching his team of young, ripe, minds. The yelling, getting in our coach's face, it was all ridiculous and getting out of control.  When the other team's coach tried to physically fistfight our coach(our coach had asked him to stop telling his players to punch and kick our team) my sweet, very sensitive son started crying.  IT WAS INTENSE.   As I comforted my son I began to shake, LITERALLY, my heart started pounding, I got really flipping angry.  I really could not believe what was happening at a five year old's basketball game.   I am not a violent person, but  I wanted to knock this guy out. My son felt threatened, and like a mama bear, I wanted to protect him.   I didn't,  I remained calm.  This was such an important lesson for me because I am sure this is just the tip of the iceburg when it comes to dealing with douchebag parents.  As a parent, what do you do?  Yell?  Fight?  No, the answer here is to do nothing.  The issue was resolved, the kids finished there game, and by snack time everyone was smiling.  I realized the only thing I can do is play an active role in the team that is my family and continue to instill moral ethics, teamwork, kindness, and gratitude in my children.

The Four Rules of Speech:  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?  Is it honest?  Does it improve upon the silence?

As the yoga teacher put her hands on me physically and starting to move my body forcefully into what she thought was right I was confounded and dumbstruck.  I asked "Shouldn't I be allowed to go at my own pace?"  To which she responded, "No, I am the teacher, you go at my pace."  I got up and left the class and will not be returning.  I have so many issues with this, as a teacher.  First, I practice and teach that your body and breath are the supreme guide to where you take your physical practice.  If it doesn't feel right, stop.  If you cannot maintain even breathing, stop.  As a yoga teacher I am a guide, not an enforcer.  This all-knowing attitude of the instructor can not only cause injury, but it can turn people away from yoga, and in my opinion yoga is for everyone.  Its like finding a comfortable pair of shoes, keep trying new classes and teachers on until something fits.  I spoke to the person in charge and let them know my feelings on the whole situation and planned for an entire week to go to the teacher directly and speak to her.  I sat with that, and changed my mind.  I realized that me speaking to her was more for me than it was for her.  My spewing my shpeil was to make myself feel better about the whole thing.  I learned from this that sometimes I want to do and say things to people because I want to get a reaction.  A reaction that will satisfy me, not necessarily help the overall relationship or situation.   AHA!!  I am working on being more mindful of my speech and actions.  I am taking more time to consider where these thoughts and actions come from.  Are they selfishly motivated?  Will they cause another person harm?  Will they help the situation at all?
 
  “And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one." ― Douglas Coupland, Life After God

My toxic relationship.   This is the real heart breaker, my heart breaker, the cause of a dismantled heart, and family.  Its not only complicated, its impossible.   This is a relationship that has tried to work for most of my life and continues to fail.  This is a woman with so much potential but who hides in the shadows of her own darkness and creates more insanity with every decision she makes.  I am helpless.  I am torn. My family is broken.  I can do nothing.  I have been trying to handle the total sadness of it all the past few weeks and its just not getting any easier.  I find myself thinking well what if I had done this?  Or maybe I should've called more?  Or, maybe if I had tried harder then  things would be different.  But I know they wouldn't.  Profound sadness is new to me, I am a joyful person.  Helplessness is new to me, I am a fixer and a nurturer.  I can do nothing. I have to let go, and let God.  I have to focus on the positives in my life and pray, and pray, and pray, and pray.  And, keep praying.   This has taught me that control is an illusion.  You cannot control people and situations, you can only control how you react to them.  Bad things happen to good people all of the time. Find the lessons in the "bad", there's always some new sliver, or some old sliver of yourself that you can explore and decide what to do with.   You just have to wake up everyday and be thankful.  Pour yourself into life, find a purpose, and get involved.  Become an active role in how you choose to live.  I will be honest, I am telling myself this every day, but the sadness, the helplessness and the guilt, are still monsters lurking around, trying to scream and shout for attention.   They're my monsters right?  Well, shut the F@#K up monsters.  I know you are not real, I know you are full of shit.  Let go, let God.



How does my yoga/meditation practice serve me?  The time I have on my mat, is my time to just be.  Its me, my breath, my body, and my mantra.  I feel connected and this connection gives me strength, courage, and insight.   How can I serve my yoga practice?   I can give myself permission to let go of feelings and relationships that do not serve me.  I can love from a distance, having faith that from this pile of shit a flower may someday grow.  I can continue to pay attention and listen.  Good and bad are seemingly relative. Both create opportunities to learn and grow, some are just easier to see than others.  I can write.  I can get it out, without fear, hoping that someone somewhere can relate.  I can be inspired by the simple magic of being alive, by the magic of connection, to each other, to God, to the divine, to beauty, to joy.  Its this connection that holds me together, that holds all of us together, that continues to shine brighter than any darkness. 

 

 “This is an important lesson to remember when you're having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year. Things will change: you won't feel this way forever. And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most. I believe you can't feel real joy unless you've felt heartache. You can't have a sense of victory unless you know what it means to fail. You can't know what it's like to feel holy until you know what it's like to feel really fucking evil. And you can't be birthed again until you've died.”
― Kelly Cutrone, If You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You



 with love, k

     

Paleo Butternut Squash and Sweet Potato Bisque with Sweet and Spicy Oven Roasted Walnuts

This recipe is delish.  I have made it without the sweet potatoes and it is a little creamier, but I think the nutritional benefits of the sweet potato are worth the very small difference in texture.  I read somewhere once that orange fruits and veggies are super good for you.  If you are interested in more info, google that shit. 

Butternut Squash and Sweet Potato Bisque

Ingredients-Soup
1 tbsp. coconut oil
One medium sized butternut squash, peeled, seeded and roughly chopped
One medium sized sweet potato, peeled and roughly chopped
One small onion or half of a medium onion, roughly chopped

1tsp. cinnamon
I tsp. nutmeg (fresh grated preferred, but powder is ok)
I tbsp. cumin
1 tsp. ground chipotle chili
1 tbsp. fresh black pepper
salt to taste (optional, I usually leave the salt out completely and let my "diners" season themselves)
*****if you like it spicy, add a tsp. of cayenne, I would do this but my kids wouldn't eat the soup, and they love the stuff with out it******

1 can coconut milk-  the light coconut milk tastes great but I have found that the regular kind just tastes better and you get a better consistency.
32 oz of chicken or veggie stock

To prepare
In a large stockpot add first four ingredients, saute over medium heat for about ten minutes.  Add the dry ingredients.  Turn the heat to medium low, saute until veggies are tender and cooked through.  When the veggies are completely cooked turn off the heat and get your blender ready.  Combine all of the ingredients in your blender and blend adding the entire can of coconut milk until smooth and silky.  While you are blending place your empty stockpot back on a medium heat.  Add about a quarter cup of stock and bring to a boil.  Scrape the bottom of the pan and get all of that goodness that was cooked out of the veggies.  When the bottom of the pan is clean, add the mixture to the blender.  Blend until smooth.  Pour entire blender full of soup in to stockpot (the same pot you have been using), turn the heat to medium low.  Add your stock in small doses until you reach your desired consistency.  Heat through.  

Ingredients-Sweet and Spicy Oven Roasted Walnuts
1 cup walnuts
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. cayenne **I leave the topping off of my kids soup****
1 tbsp. brown sugar ***technically not Paleo, but I am back to 90/10 and its worth it for the flavor***
2 tbsp. extra virgin olive oil

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.  Crumble walnuts into a small bowl, I like the lack of uniform-ness.  If you crave more order in your soup, roughly chop your nuts :)  Combine nuts with the rest of ingredients, spread in a fine layer on a an aluminum foil lined cookie sheet.  Roast for five to ten minutes. 

Serve soup hot with a generous palmful of nuts. (I was just re-reading this and realized the hilarity of this last instruction.  I am leaving it, too funny to not.)   This soup is amaz-balls. (Oh my goodness, my re-read is cracking me up.  This is ridiculous.)  All joking aside, this soup is so good, and so good for you.   Enjoy!! 

Enough's as Good As A Feast Part 1

"Enough's As Good As A Feast",  Mary Poppins

This sentiment hits home for me on so many levels. 

First as a mother.  The holidays are approaching.  There is a constant bombardment by society and the media that we need more.  In my home there is a constant dialogue between my son and I about what he wants and NEEDS desperately.  This dialogue isn't reserved for just this time of year, its everyday.  This car, that toy, a new game, it seems that with every new commercial or story coming home from school there is a new request for something to be purchased.  How do I as a mother relay to my son that he doesn't need everything he wants.  This is a very hard moral to instill in a five year old.

A very common thread that is discussed between my son and I is his desire to live in a new home.  This is especially hard for me because when life gets me down in the dumps, this is what I crave most.   In fact, most arguments that occur with my fiancee revolve around this "problem" and my son has probably learned to identify with this issue because of me.  If that's not a slap in the face as a parent I don't know what is.  I focus on the fact that we live in a two bedroom condo without a yard, and I desperately desire more.  More space, space in my kitchen, in my closet, another room or two, or three, a yard, I just want more.  My attention goes immediatley to what I feel we are lacking, instead of on the simple blessings we have.

 "Comparison is the thief of joy." Theodore Roosevelt. 

I get into the game of comparing.  What an evil game to play with yourself.  Someone will always have more, be doing more, be achieving more if that's how you allow yourself to think.  If you get sucked into that mindset, you will continue into a downward spiral of self pity and despair.    Believe me, I have done it, I do it.  Its just ridiculous, I have a home, my fiancee and I both drive nice cars, our son goes to an excellent school, we have enough, we have everything we need.    Remembering this is a very big challenge for me.  I still get sucked in, and let my mind go a little nutso. 

 "We buy things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people we don't like."  David Ramsey

So what do I do?  I shift my perspective.  My Pop in New York told me a story once.  When he was a boy living on the farm, he would get an orange and a piece of maple candy for Christmas, and he was ecstatic.  That's it, THAT'S IT.    Currently in our country, hundreds of thousands of people are without the basic necessities for survival due to Hurricane Sandy.  They are not worried about how grand their Christmas will be, they are not sad because their homes aren't big enough, or that they don't have the new pair of Uggs they want for this winter.  They are just trying to feed, clothe, and keep their families warm.

How much is enough?  If we are contantly looking outside of our selves for satisfaction, will we ever be truly satisfied?  Abundance is a state of mind.  It is not measured by the size of your home, the quality of your wardrobe, or the type of car you drive.  The so called gifts we purchase  to satisfy our children and ourselves are made of shoddy material, and usually break or are outgrown in a year. Styles are always changing, and there will always be something  "newer" and "better".
When it comes to this holiday season  I am taking a minimalist approach, with my children and with myself.  In the past I have always tried to make the holidays big and grand with the purchase of a ton of gifts.  I am choosing instead to make this year about the experience, not the gifts.  It is time to start instilling a sense of value and appreciation in my family.

"Be thankful for what you have, and you will end up having more.  If you concentrate on what you don't have you will never, ever have enough."  Oprah

 Writing for me is a lot about processing, not only sharing what's going on in my life but reminding myself to stay present. My advice to myself?  Focus on what you have Kim. Here is where gratitude comes in.  Practicing gratitude on the daily will really shift the way you live your life.  The best gifts we can give and receive do not have a price tag.  Our time, our love and our affection will always outlast the newest video game or doll.    I do have a lovely home, small, yes.  Cluttered, yes.  Full of love, yes.  Full of laughter, yes. We have more than enough and are never in need.
 

 Every morning my son crawls into bed with his sister and I and we snuggle and giggle and talk about our previous night's dreams and what we want our day to be like.  These moments are the irreplaceable treasures.  We are so close.  We are so blessed.  We are blessed with our home, our health, our daddy who works his ass off to provide so I can stay home with the kids.  We are blessed with joy and love.  These are the messages I want my children to hear.  These are the messages I need to remind myself of.   God has put my family in this small home for a reason. I believe that it is to remind us every day that our family is the most special  "THING"  that we really need.  We have each other and that's enough, and enough's as good as a feast.

with love, k

Welcome To My Crazy House, admission is your sanity, please pay in advance.

Being a mom is tough work.  Let's think about it.  As a parent you are in charge of creating a PERSON.  One day this person will be in relationships, will have an impact on his world around him, and have the ability to affect another person's life. Every action, every word, every gesture is shaping who this little person will eventually become.

I am a stay at home mom of two wonderful children.  My son is sensitive, funny, and very energetic.  My daughter is stubborn, wild, and a little diva in training.  They are a constant source of inspiration and joy.  Being a mother has completely changed my life. 

As fun as it is, there are still days when I feel like I have been taking crazy pills.  Picture this, we are running late because I snoozed the alarm one too many times, I do not sleep. My daughter cosleeps and is teething.  Currently this means she sleeps with my nipple in her mouth all night long, usually draped across my body in some strange contortion that is comfortable to only her.  Running late....Lawson refuses to eat breakfast, he wants a "SNACK BREAKFAST ONLY MOM!!!"  Naya is running around naked, as I try to get L ready for school and fed.  I hear an uh-oh from Lawson and look to see, Oh No!!  The baby pooped on the floor!!  Right on the carpet. I knew I should've put the diaper on her first!!  Then I hear a scream, Lawson in pain!!  What did you do son?  I put these eyedrops in my eye mom and it hurts!!  Those aren't eye drops, that's razor oil!! Do I leave the poo in lieu of the eye?  Yes, of course.  Fix the eye debacle. Clean up the poo. Get kids dressed and fed. Get out the door.  Then yoga, aaaahhhh bliss, oooooommmmm.   This is reality. Welcome to my crazy house, admission is your sanity, please pay in advance.  Some days I do not talk to another adult all day and begin to worry that my communication skills as a grown up may never be used again.  I know this is dramatic but it's very true. 

Being a stay at home mom is a very interesting job. It's a job that doesn't often get much recognition, and sometimes feels like nothing is really happening, although the days are non stop.  When the kids are asleep at night and the first moments of stillness enter my house, I cannot pinpoint one specific thing that I accomplished that day, I just know it was busy and I am tired.   All of my days are jam packed with running around.  We have to get to basketball practice, piano lessons, doctor's appointments, and play at the park.  Meals have to be prepared, laundry has to be washed, the house has to be cleaned.   It's a never ending cycle of to dos.   All of this while being the most kind, loving, parent I can be and instilling a sense of adventure and joy in everything that we do.  As a SAHM I am constantly expelling energy to ensure that my children have the best chance at a happy and healthy life.  Its nonstop. 

As a mom, my number one rule is to never let my kids see me get angry or upset.  Most of the time this is easy for me.  My yoga practice has taught me a lot about patience, and most importantly how to connect to my breath.  When I get upset, I breath, and take a mommy time-out.  I try to change my perspective and see what this issue may look like to a five year old.  Usually this shift works.  But SOMETIMES, yes sometimes, that doesn't work.  How many times can I politely ask my son to stop yelling(he's very loud), or to stop swinging his sword around(I am fearful he may behead his sister) before I lose it?  Five?  Ten?  One hundred?  This is where the challenges of motherhood become deeply personal.  In these instances of losing my cool, it's not about how my kids are behaving, its about how I AM BEHAVING.  I am the adult, I am the parent.  I have to maintain my self control, while relinquishing some control of the situation.  If my kids are acting like looney tunes inside, screaming, yelling and running around like maniacs, it probably means they are bored and have to get outside.  Or another option, they need attention.  They just want to play with their mom.  This is another huge control issue for me because sometimes I forget that my kids don't care if the kitchen floor is swept or if the laundry is done.  They certainly don't give a crap about me checking emails or writing.  They just want to snuggle and have fun.  So, I put that stuff aside. I let the laundry pile up, my floors sometimes look atrocious, and my blog goes unattended.  I like to think that my messy home is a badge of honor, that I proudly display for putting my kids first.

I have a few key parenting tips that I want to put out there. Don't let your kids see you get upset.  Nine times out of ten it's your issue, not  theirs.  Change the scenery, change your attitude, change your tone.  Which leads me to tip number two, how you speak to your children now becomes how they speak to themselves in the future.  Be kind, be loving, be patient, BE CALM.  Tip number three, Get down on your kids level.  Literally, get on the floor, play with them, run around, laugh, snuggle, say yes when they ask you to help them build a fort or paint a picture.   Even if your tired, even if your having a bad day, its not about you, its about them.  Tip number four, pick your battles.  I let my kids splash in the tub.  It's fun for them and super easy to clean up.  Why not?  If its not hurting anyone, and its fun, let your kids enjoy themselves.  They only get to be young for a very finite amount of time.  Let them be children.  Lastly, I encourage you as a parent to find something that is just for you.  Something that fuels your internal fire and that gives you some time to yourself.  For me its yoga.  But it could be anything, running, hiking, writing, dancing, someTHING.  I recommend something physical because movement shifts energy in the body and also increases endorphins (happy vibes) in the body.  Just find something for yourself.  Dedicate twenty minutes a day or an hour a week to yourself, heck, dedicate five minutes if that's all you have.  Just do it.  When we take care of and nurture ourselves we encourage our best selves to be present.  By taking time out for you, you will improve the quality of all of your relationships.  You are worth it, you deserve the best you, your family deserves the best you. 

If you do slip up and have a moment you are not proud of, give yourself a break and let it go.  Apologize and move on. Lead by example, this will show your kids that everyone makes mistakes and its ok.  It's tough work being on all the time, and no ones perfect.  Just do the best you can and remember that you are everything to that little person, they will forgive you with a hug, a smooch, and a smile.

My crazy family.  I flipping love them.  My kids have opened my eyes to a whole new level of love that I never knew was possible.  They are constantly testing their boundaries and in doing so I am forced to test mine. For every one instance of pure insanity or of feeling overwhelmed, there are a hundred smiles, giggles, hugs, and subtle moments of sweet connection.   Its an adventure, its a riot, its my life and I am so blessed.

with love, k