My Love Affair with Cigarettes

 In the essence of honesty I will say that I am addicted to cigarettes.  I have been feeling kind of stuck mentally, and un-inspired to blog because of this addiction.  I am a super healthy woman, I do yoga, meditate, and eat like a cave-woman (paleo).  There's just this one tiny thing, a habit, if you will, that I can't seem to shake.  I smoke.  As I was thinking about this blog, and what I am putting out there as a general message, I can't help but feel like a liar and a hypocrite every time I light up.

Since I started my challenge (which I am owning!!!)  I have definitely cut back on my smoking, but still sneak in one here and there.  I actually quit for the entire first week of the challenge, then like a dummy had a cigarette last Monday and now am back to the disgusting, super unhealthy habit of smoking. 

I used to love smoking.  The entire act, lighting up, inhaling, exhaling, the five minute break from whatever insanity I was taking a break from.  Now, I don't even enjoy it.  I think to my self every day, I am not going to smoke today.  Then after I have a cigarette, there is a whole internal monologue about smoking.  "That was disgusting, and pointless.  How did smoking that cigarette positively affect my life?  I smell disgusting.  What a waste of my life." etc. etc.  So I know, I really want to stop.

I do not want to set an example for my children that smoking is acceptable.  I want my "oms" to be long, sweet, and satiating.  I want to have nice skin in twenty years.  Heck, I want to be healthy in twenty years.  I have survived cancer once, what kind of game am I playing with God, and with my life.

  I have never talked about smoking on here before because I was ashamed and disgusted with myself for having this addiction.  How can I be the PaleoYogaMom, while taking the occasional cigarette break.  It all seems very counter-intuitive.  I mean, if you're gonna talk the talk, you better walk the walk.  We all have our vices, and I am truly ready to let this one go. I quit drinking coffee.  I quit blue cheese dressing and cheese danish!!  I gave birth to two babies!!!  I can QUIT SMOKING!!! (This is my pep-talk to self)

Writing my blog about the Paleo challenge motivated me to quit wine, coffee, sugar, and dairy(I was allready following the other guidelines to Paleo very strictly).  So I am now applying the same will power and fortitude towards being cigarette free that I have with the Paleo challenge. 

 Life is about growth.  Life is about choice.  It is about learning to choose between what adds to joy in our lives, and what takes away from joy in our lives. If something in your life isn't feeding your light, it is TAKING away from that light.  Either our actions, habits and relationships encourage us to be bright, shining beings or they encourage us to exist in the darkness, the grey, murky areas, of disconnect, and malcontent.  From now on, when I light up, it will be an inner spark.  I choose health.  I choose my family.  I choose honesty.  I choose joy.