How to discipline, that is the question? As a mother of two
children, a five year old rambunctious boy, and a 15 month old sassy girl, this
is a question that I deal with on a daily basis. For me, discipline entails, teaching my
children a sense of responsibility for their actions and keeping them safe,
while trying to instill a sense of moral values. My techniques are not based on society’s
ideas of right and wrong. They are based
on what I as a mother think is the most meaningful way of helping them to build
skills that will eventually help them to be polite, respectful, honest, and
kind adults. The tools I use for disciplining
my 5 year old and 15 month old are very different. For today, I will focus on my 5 year old.
Recently a woman commented to me that there is no good and
bad behavior with children. That it’s
all just behavior. That kids are just
expressing themselves. Ok, I get that,
BUT. But, when is causing physical harm
to someone ok? When is lying ok? As parents, we all come across these and various other instances where we have the choice, to guide our kids towards a better understanding of their actions, or to just let it slide and choke it up to "expressing themselves." For me there are good and bad behaviors. I think as parents it’s our responsibility to
teach kids the difference between the two, otherwise we will be raising kids
that basically think it’s their way and that’s it. In the real world there are
consequences for our actions, if we don’t begin to teach this to our kids how
will they will they ever know how to handle themselves in this very real, very
big, and sometimes very scary real world?
I am not a spanker. I
do not believe in physicality as a means of discipline. I do not raise my
voice. I try to be patient, gentle, and
calm when a situation that requires discipline comes into play. I use a ton of positive re-enforcement when
speaking to my children, always trying to highlight what’s amazing about
them. I do however have very serious conversations
with my son when his behavior is unacceptable.
For example, biting, hitting, pulling down his pants (this is a new
one), being mean to his sister, yelling at mom or dad, lying, and a myriad of
other things. We sit and talk face to
face, I am on his level, so we can look into each others eyes. I will use the pants pulling down as an
example of how these talks go, because it is the most recent “problem” (for lack of a better word) we are
dealing with.
Recently, Lawson went to a sleepover where most of the boys
were older. My very sweet friend, mom of
the birthday boy hosting the sleepover, let me know that Lawson had pulled his pants down. Lawson and I sat
down. I asked him about the party,
he told me it was a lot of fun. Then I
asked about him the pants episode.
I asked him why he did that. He
replied that it made all the boys laugh and he likes to make people laugh. Fair enough, right? But it’s really not fair enough, its
unacceptable behavior. Lawson is just
learning about his private parts and we are trying to walk the thin line with a
five year old to not ever feel ashamed of his body in any way, but that some of
our parts are just for us and no one else.
I let him know that our privates and our bums are for us only and that
we do not show them to anyone. To which
he replied, but mom, everyone was laughing so much!! I told him he is a very funny boy, and asked
him what other ways he knows to be funny.
Silly faces, silly stories, jokes, silly songs, these were all answers
that we came up with together. We
resolved to keep our privates to ourselves and practice other methods of making
people laugh. It wasn’t traumatic or
threatening. I believe that he got the
message and his boisterous spirit is still very much intact.
Other tools I have found to be successful:
*Sticker Charts, these work wonders. A rewards system is something that even very
young children can relate to. A sticker
chart is something that is very physical, that your child can see, every day,
marking his progress.
*Chores/Chore Chart.
I have Lawson help me make dinner, he actually loves to cook.
It’s his responsibility to put away the salad dressings every
night and to clear his plate. He has chores
that he is supposed to do every day. He is taking piano lessons. If he chooses not to practice piano that
week, we do not go to the lesson. Its his choice. Give your
kids responsibilities. This teaches them
that they are an integral part of the family.
We are a team, and everyone helps out.
*Follow through. This
is probably the most important advice I can give. I usually give Lawson one free pass. If he makes a mistake, or acts in a manner
that is unacceptable I give him the opportunity to talk about it, apologize if
necessary then move on. If however the
behavior continues, I let him know that his behavior is unacceptable, and if it
continues we will be stopping current activity. (We will leave the park, zoo,
friends’ home, etc.) If it happens
again, we leave. And that’s it. After the initial consequence for his actions
are put out there, there is no turning back.
Grounded for a week from the DS, is a straight seven-day break, with no
Mario, sorry buddy, that’s that. I have
been called the meanest mommy in the world, but he gets over it and learns something.
*Let it go. After a
tough time with your child, after the consequence has been dealt, talks had,
tears shed, it is DONE. Do not keep
bringing it up. Let it go.
*Don’t argue with your kids.
They are children. You are the
adult. That’s the bottom line. Arguing with a five year old is not only
senseless it’s mean. Most things said in
the heat of an argument are pure emotion, without much thoughtfulness behind
it. Our kids deserve better. They deserve a parent who is calm, and who
can set aside whatever emotions they are experiencing to patiently and lovingly
talk to them. If you begin to feel
very intense, simply say, we will talk about this later, and continue doing
whatever it is you are doing until you can take it down a notch.
My son is joyful, sensitive, hilarious and too smart for his own good. He is full of life and curiosity. He is loud, dramatic, and a clown.
He is learning the difference between right and wrong, good and bad. The key factor in this is the example my
fiance and I set as parents. Children feed off of our energy. They
copy everything we do. Model the behavior you want to see in your kids. Be calm, be silly, be happy!! Admit when you make a mistake, as a parent, and apologize. Apologize to your spouse in front of your kids, apologize to your kids. These interactions are the most powerful teaching tools.
How to discipline our kids is a very touchy subject. A lot of people have a lot of different ideas
on the “correct” way to approach this.
The bottom line is that all kids are different, as are all parents, so
finding the approach that works best for your family is, in my opinion, the best
advice to give. But always remember,
that they are for the most part, trying their best. They are just kids, trying to make sense of the world and have some fun. They just want to be loved. Be kind, be patient, and be generous with
your hugs. And remember, these littles that we are raising will someday be bigs, trying to navigate their way through the world, hopefully making it a little better in the process.
with love, k
No comments:
Post a Comment